Have you ever heard of the 1883 book English as She Is Spoke by Pedro Carolino — a man who, unfortunately, had little personal acquaintance with the English tongue. Intended as a Portuguese-English phrase book, the actual translations in English as She Is Spoke are almost invariably incoherent or inappropriate. The book’s saving grace is that the results are often strangely humorous. In his Book of Heroic Failures, Stephen Pile comments “Is there anything in conventional English which could equal the vividness of ‘To craunch a marmoset’?”

I was reminded of this a couple of minutes ago when a friend sent me an email with the subject line “EULA From Hell” (where EULA stands for “End-User License Agreement”). In his email, my friend wrote as follows: “So I’m installing a Chinese call logging system on my computer and, during the install process, I have to agree to the End User License Agreement. I’ve seen some bad ones, but this one takes the cake. Here’s the unedited version for your amusement…”

This EULA is shown below. I emailed my friend asking if it would be OK if I posted this without mentioning his name, and he replied, “Sure — I just hope nothing gets lost in translation” (I’m still rolling on the floor laughing).

Acquiesce clerk command for: admin

Carry out charging soft before please. ensure soft dog had insert up,Forbidden electric pull insert soft dog!!!

Soft has got to in conjunction with soft dog make use of.

Admonish: Procedure being copy right law and the preservation of international treaty.

Unwarranted copy or emit procedure, Or the any of among these departments, All shall will. Being civil code and the grueling of code, And a general officer being law allow’s to biggest condemnatory.

End user software license agreement.

Admissive:
¡¡¡¡Soft procedural user confer you. ¡£But you have Hsiang.

Our company do below answer for: No, out of agreement oblige ‘s to clause, Make use of, Kao.
Fei, go over, rents either assignments originally wass interconnected systems or among these any fractional.

You answer for:
¡¡¡¡1.¡¡ On a machine make use of originally is interconnected system;
¡¡¡¡2.¡¡ For on this machine make use of, Which out of backup or file management?
‘s,By means of machine readable format fabricator systematic copy;
¡¡¡¡3.¡¡ In the other party accept consultative clause Ho conditional premise down, A general officer originally is.
Interconnected system and admissive agreement second-hand give other make use of.
¡¡¡¡If bechance second-hand, Original text stall and its accompany the all of document copy has got to a.
And care of the other party,Or a general officer has not the copy of care of all deface;
¡¡¡¡4.¡¡ In below one of the premise down,A general officer originally is interconnected system is used for multi-user environment or.

Network system up:
¡¡¡¡Originally interconnected system plain text admissive be used for multi-user environment or network system up; Or,
¡¡¡¡Make use of originally interconnected system every node and end device all has purchase make use of admissive.

You answer for No,:
¡¡¡¡1.¡¡ To originally is interconnected system again assignment admissive;
¡¡¡¡2.¡¡ To originally interconnected system go along widdershins construction , anti compilation or decomposition disassemble;
¡¡¡¡3.¡¡ Copy either care of systematic all or department,But agreement center plain text.
Oblige ‘s to exclusive of.

You’ll originally interconnected system either the all of copy or local second-hand give another make use of Shih,
Your admissive Chuan namely by oneself cease.

Systematic copyright Ho droit:
¡¡¡¡Originally interconnected system and its all the name of copy, And cd up or originally interconnected system center note.
The company of same in. ¡£Originally interconnected system and document enjoy copyright, And being country copy right law.
And international concordat the preservation of clause. ¡£You cannot from soft center detract its copyright.
Assert; And answer for systematic copy ( all or department ) copy copyright sound.
Ming. ¡£You accede checks by meanss of any forms illegal copys originally wass interconnected systems and documents.

After sales assure:
¡¡¡¡Our company assure,In just used to the circumstance of make use of down, Since sell day rise.
90 daies inner,Its soft carrier empty of material or craft defect. ¡£Experience Cheng true has is short of.
Pitfall Shih,Corporate all accountability the same exchange a purchase that its soft carrier; All so give.
Your only compensate. ¡£Because accident , abuse or bug application the carrier of causation defect,
After sales assure invalid. ¡£The carrier of exchange a purchase enjoy original assure edition remaining time, Or three.
Ten celestial assure; Take its an elder regular words like precede.

General No, answer for:
¡¡¡¡Exclusive of above-mentioned, Originally wass interconnected systems No, enjoy any mores the after sales of forms assure.

Accountability finite:
¡¡¡¡Above-mentioned assure, Free from discuss is Ming finger or is metaphor, For the all of assure.
Content, Include to distinctive application bourne ‘s merchantability Ho adaptability assure. ¡£Howsoever.
Act accordingly agreement or not, Even though by means of originally interconnected system and accrue: Loss of profit , can.
By means of sex die away, commerce break,Either any the allusive of forms , especial , accidents or.
Bound breakage,Or any mores quadrate claims,Our company and its agent ,.
Market people general No, answer for;Even our company,Beforehand being told this kind of matter has can.
Neng bechance,Also empty of Chi and matter.

Admissive cease:
¡¡¡¡If you disobey returns consultative any clauses and conditions,Our company shall follow.
Shih will cease admissive. ¡£Cease admissive Shih,You have as quick as thought deface originally are interconnected system and.
The all of document copy,Or bring back give our company.

Apply the law:
¡¡¡¡< intellectual property preservation bylaw > , < copyright , copyright law > ,.
< patent law >,And all.

Hitherto,You affirmatively already at large read and had comprehension agreement,And accede austereness.
Comply with every clause Ho condition.

Good Grief! My brain is still reeling. There are some thought-provoking statements in here, such as, “Loss of profit, can. By means of sex die away” and “Forbidden electric pull insert soft dog!!!” I’m sure none of us want either of these things to happen. So, are there any gems in the above that shout out at you? Does this count as the worst EULA (or user manual) you’ve seen, or can you top it with something even more… what’s the word I’m looking for?